Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
