how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
