I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
How external is "for external use only"?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
