All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize