So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
