Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
