party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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