I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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