Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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