The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
