She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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