I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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