So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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