TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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