The maid of honor just puked.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
