So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
