Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
