Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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