Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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