If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
