pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
