Umm I'm too high to move.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
