you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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