We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
