I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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