I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
