I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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