I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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