i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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