Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
sarcasm needs its own font
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize