we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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