On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize