Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
