I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
