just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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