Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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