I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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