HIV tests are more positive than that guy
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
