Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
