The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This is the high leading the old right now
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
