What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
