ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
