My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize