And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
