I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
