When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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