I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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