using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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