wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He better not be in your backpack
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
