I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
