I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize