Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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