I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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