My friends, they love my intelligence
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
