note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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