the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
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