took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Found your dick twin last night
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
