When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
