This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
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