Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
