god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
