...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
