Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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