This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
