I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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