On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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