How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
