I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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